Sustaining Open-Heartedness

When I was around 17 or 18 years old, for a while, I struggled to feel for others. I prayed that God would help me feel sympathy again.

(I wanted empathy for others, but the closest word available to me at the time was sympathy.)

Thankfully, God answered my prayer. Empathy is one of my strengths. My open-heartedness allows me to connect with the people around me, imagine myself in their shoes, and better understand their experiences. It enables me to have meaningful relationships and to be a part of multiple communities. Empathy helps me to be a good coach and leader.

Yet, sometimes, open-heartedness results in hurt. Like quickly pulling back one’s hand after accidentally touching a burner on a stove, I am sometimes tempted to respond to hurt by creating distance.

Here is an example.

In 2020, after I participated in a talk about inclusion, someone I don’t know well reached out to make amends for holding something against me. They shared they had not liked me because they assessed that I thought I was better than them, something about me being well-spoken and driving a nice car being factors. I thanked them for letting me know and said that I loved them.

For context, the person is a white American woman, born and raised in the United States. I am Afro-Latina, born in the Dominican Republic, and a naturalized American. She and I are very different, something I had not considered until she brought it up in the conversation.

After the exchange, she and I crossed paths and, from time to time, encouraged one another.

Fast forward to last week, when I learned that the person believes people like me are invaders of the United States.

My immediate reactions were hurt and anger. I revisited our conversation in 2020 and wondered whether this lady was genuine. I questioned her intentions. I wanted to immediately disconnect and armor up, even remove myself from the community she and I have in common.

After a few days, the hurt and anger softened.

I realized that if I were to trade off open-heartedness and empathy to protect myself, I would deny myself rich and wonderful connections and relationships.

Instead, I am choosing empathy, open-heartedness, and connection over disconnection.

-       Staying in community

-       Open to new and different perspectives and experiences

-       Boundaries (no social media contact, limit in-person interactions) to mitigate risk

Borrowing from Brené Brown, I am choosing to have a soft front and a strong back.

There is a risk, yet there is much more to gain with open-heartedness.